Once in a blue moon, when I’m out for some medical appointment or whatever and not projecting enough “please leave me be” energy somehow, [a note is that people will sometimes start conversation if you are wearing an N95] people will approach me and try to strike up conversation. Once I had someone point out one of the stupid pins I wear sometimes, things like that.
I think I’m less afraid of getting stabbed than spontaneous conversation.
The best-case is that I will say one awkward sentence and then run the fuck away, but if somebody makes the mistake of trying to talk to me while I’m in line for something, or waiting for a bus, I can’t just leave. So I had someone try this today, and the secondhand cringe radiating off of me was probably lethal, definitely enough to enforce social distancing.
This probably seems stupid, since I spend large amounts of free time running my fuckin’ mouth online, but all of the basic knowledge of good conversation making just escapes my brain irl. I think the reason is actually sensory overload, which I first realised because I have like a 50/50 chance of just not being able to hear the other person. Any amount of ambient noise and you might as well speak to me with closed captions instead. Past that it just kind of snowballs; is my posture or body language weird, am I speaking at the right volume, on a scale of “mildly sore” to “fucking dying” how bad is my chronic pain right now, is the awkward mix of masking and conversational autopilot that the sensory assault forces my brain into working acceptably for this not to become painfully awkward or has it turned into weapons grade cringe, and that becomes a feedback loop pretty easily. So of course I’m not thinking about like, asking questions about what the other person is saying, for e.g., instead I’m fucking freaking out. Naturally this person today basically tried starting a conversation like six different times with me to little avail.
Take heed: If you’re on amitryptaline for anything at all then, congrats, you’re a victim of 
! I wish it helped.
As a result I’ve whiffed everything from casual chatter to potential missed connection situations routinely over the past several years. At this point I just don’t want to go outside anymore. If it’s gonna be that shit and that difficult all the time, just consign me to the internet forever.
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